It’s time to try the Obama plan on a smaller scale, and assess the results. Larry At Large suggests we concentrate on Los Angeles for starters.
We have a team there called the Lakers. They have been winning for a very long time, are well coached and disciplined, and therefore must be punished. I suggest we start with affirmative action.
For too long white players have been held down by more talented black players, so I suggest we have a mandatory 33% white player rule. This way we can enable less talented white players to have a fair chance to play and raise their self esteem, while replacing their more talented black counterparts. This affirmative action will work to dilute the level of play, and make the Lakers more competitive with the rest of the league (pretty much like what we’ve done to the country on the whole). Now, those cast-aside black players will be angry, but they’ll learn it’s all for the common good.
As far as the other team in L.A., the Clippers… these are the have-nots of basketball. This is a team that season after season cannot win. They are mismanaged, don’t play well, have lesser quality players, and in general, a poor front office. This is just the kind of team that needs to be rewarded with a helping hand. Some possible areas of help: give them a ten point start over their opponents. Another idea: lowering the bar… I mean the hoop, therefore making their shots just a little easier.
As any good liberal will tell you, it’s not important who wins the game, but that both sides feel a sense of self-worth and esteem. We just want the teams to have the chance to compete on an equal playing field, or court in this case.
I know what you’re thinking… it will destroy the game as we know it, but isn’t it all worth it? We’d be helping those players less fortunate, while experiencing an overwhelming sense of fairness and smug satisfaction. Who knows, it might help assuage that horrible sense of guilt.